You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Morning by Celia Rivenbark

The Morning Star was no News and Observer but it came out every day and Celia got to write weddings for 55,000 readers instead of 3,500, plus she got a paycheck every two weeks with that nifty New York Times logo on it.Īfter an unfortunate stint as a copy editor - her ass expanded to a good six ax handles across - Celia started writing a weekly humor column that fulfilled her lifelong dream of being paid to be a smart ass. Where else could you cover a dead body being hauled out of the river (alcohol was once again a contributing factor) in the morning and then write up weddings in the afternoon?Īfter eight years, however, taking front-page photos of the publisher shaking hands with other fez-wearing Shriners and tomatoes shaped like male 'ginny-talia' was losing its appeal.Ĭelia went to work for the Wilmington, NC Morning Star after a savvy features editor was charmed by a lead paragraph in an Enterprise story about the rare birth of a mule: 'Her mother was a nag and her father was a jackass.' The locals loved to say, as they renewed their 'perscriptions,' that 'you can eat a pot of rice and read the Enterprise and go to bed with nothing on your stomach and nothing on your mind.' Late nights, she'd listen to the feed trucks rattle by on the highway and she'd go to sleep wondering what exotic cities those noisy trucks would be in by morning (Richmond? Atlanta? Charlotte?) Their headlights crawling across the walls of her little pink bedroom at the edge of a soybean field were like constellations pointing the way to a bigger life, a better place, a place where there wasn't so much turkey shit everywhere.Īfter a couple of years of college, Celia went to work for her hometown paper, the Wallace, NC Enterprise. By age 7, she'd decided to be a newspaper reporter. It was at this laundromat, where a carefully lettered sign reminded customers that management was 'NOT RESONSIBLE' for lost items, that Celia shirked 'resonsibility' her own self and snuck away to read the big, fat Sunday News & Observer out of Raleigh, NC.

On every Sunday afternoon of her childhood, while her mama rested up from preparing a fried chicken and sweet potato casserole lunch, she, her sister and her daddy rode to the laundromat two miles away to do the weekly wash. Her grandparents' house, just across the ditch, had the first indoor plumbing in Teachey, NC and family lore swears that people came from miles around just to watch the toilet flush.ĭespite this proud plumbing tradition, Celia grew up without a washer and dryer. Celia Rivenbark was born and raised in Duplin County, NC, which had the distinction of being the nation's number 1 producer of hogs and turkeys during a brief, magical moment in the early 1980s.Ĭelia grew up in a small house in the country with a red barn out back that was populated by a couple of dozen lanky and unvaccinated cats.

You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Morning by Celia Rivenbark